Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Making babies the right way

Putting your penis in someone's bum is the wrong way to make babies. If it's a woman's bum, it's 100% the wrong way. If it's a man's bum, it's still 100%, but kind of even more the wrong way, if you see what I mean.

So okay. If sex were about making babies, gay men would be pretty bad at it.

The thing is, sex is not just about making babies. This won't come as a shock to many people, because let's face it, sex is a good way to spend an evening (and a morning). Everyone knows it.

But go a bit further, and a lot of people do get shocked. Here's two ideas that a lot of people have around the world:

- Anal sex is wrong, 'cos it's, you know, dirty. Bumholes are dirty.
- Sex between two men is wrong, because two men can't make babies.

Both of these are not only bogus arguments against gay sex and gay people, they're also contradictory. Think about it - if two men having sex is wrong because anal sex is wrong, how come there is no public issue with man-woman anal sex? You don't hear religious people preaching against the terror of men putting their penises in women's bums.

So if it's not about being dirty, the argument must be about making babies. Right?

No, I don't get it either.

If you want to make a baby you'll need either a) a man, a woman, and some free time, or b) some scientists in white coats and a plant called "Ivy F".

If you want to get some hot, sticky, sweaty, tender, pleasureful exercise with someone you know and like, sex is a pretty good bet, whether it's between men or women. (Although if you don't want a baby, contraception is a requirement...)


Monday, 20 October 2008

The final chapter of No Up! Chapter 11 - The Sea

This is it! The final chapter of No Up is out now, also mysteriously called "The Sea". And what a finale!

An end, and yet a beginning ... Czioc begins his mission and travels, enjoys some cyber masturbation, and meets some friendly strangers. But darkness is in store...

I've really enjoyed writing this and I hope you've enjoyed reading it. If you have, please donate something via paypal to info@jezkemp.co.uk and tell your friends.

Hard copy release!
Yes as we speak I'm finalising the details for the hard copy release of No Up, along with my previous book Devolution. So for those of you who like the feel of actual paper and want to order an actual book with my name on it, watch out for details in the coming week.

Thursday, 16 October 2008


Governments buying shares in banks
A big up-yours to the laissez-faire. Who/what is laissez-faire? The idea of unregulated capitalism - thought up by crazies in the 70s, brought to life in the 80s by Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan, and now dead. Sure, of all the industries that should really be nationalised for the public good - transport springs to mind - banking was relatively far down the list. But the financial crisis was caused by people playing make-believe with money and now the concept that the free market can regulate itself is dead. I'd be happier if it wasn't taxpayers who are paying for it.

UK education shock - less exams, not more
SATs exams for 14-year-olds (Year 9) are to be scrapped. The government is of course blaming the American company ETS Europe's monumental screw-up earlier this year, but the plain truth has been obvious for many years - UK school pupils are some of the most overtested in the world. Parents' damaging demands for league tables and government's endless search for figures and data to prove progress is backward and negative - I should know, it was my school year that first took SATs and first had A-levels split into AS and A2 exams, giving young people 3 solid years of exams that seriously affect your life.
Ironically it was the Conservative Party which pointed out children being overtested, when they love league tables and examinations more than anyone else.

UK civil liberties shock - 42 days no longer an option
Also this week, after being rejected in the House of Lords, the government's proposed terror law will no longer include the ability to lock terror suspects up for 42 days without charge. This would have had much more news coverage if it wasn't for the financial crisis - it's amazing that the government didn't try and force it through for the very same reason. Okay, nobody likes terrorists - terrorists are arseholes. But "terror suspects" could be anyone - the Brazilian man shot dead on the tube was one. And we do not want authorities locking people up for an extra 2 weeks without actually charging them for a crime - for "terror", for whatever.

And while the world learns to wash its hands...
Today is the first United Nations Global Handwashing Day, where millions of children and young people across the developing world are being taught that washing your hands is not only clean, but can pretent deadly diseases. So easy, so simple, so important.

...the U.K. doesn't know how
I saw a news article today called "Faecal bacteria join the commute". Yes. You read right. "Faecal bacteria" are bacteria from shit. Apparently 40% of commuters tested in a recent investigation had shit on their hands. 40 PER CENT. I would doubt these findings, but I'm a man, and I see other men not washing their hands in toilet. But seriously, shit. SHIT. What is wrong with people?

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Got a cold? EAT

I may or may not be coming down with a cold right now. My body has been threatening me the last 24 hours, and it is the season. I can't log into Facebook without seeing most people's status set to "X is like SO ill :(".

Rather than doing nothing and hoping for the best, this time I've decided to fire nutrients and minerals at my stomach in the assumption that these are what the body needs to fight infection, whether viral or bacterial. So, cue smoothies, fruit, raw vegetables, and protein-rich meat including the magical stuff that is CHORIZO.

I am no scientist. This may not work. It could all be bollocks.

We'll see!

Oh and sleep too, plenty of sleep is important!

Monday, 13 October 2008

No Up Chapter 10 - The Sea (final chapter for our heroine!)

Yes today is the new chapter of No Up, and it's the LAST chapter for our heroine Noksalika! She and Hanaman travel to the port, but can she escape him? What does he want? What does she want? Where is she going? And what is her deal with the mysterious Piarowef?

Vertical water, espionage, treachery and blood await in Chapter 10. Enjoy!

P.S. I'm working on the hard copy release of both No Up and Devolution. Looking good so far =]

Saturday, 11 October 2008

You lucky thing

I finished working this week - got 2 weeks of holiday left, so might as well use them - which is obviously nice. One phrase that cropped up though when people found out I was going to New Zealand was "oh you lucky thing".

I don't really count myself lucky at all - the material cost, well, I paid about £1000 for flights and a working visa, and there's been other costs as well, but nothing someone on a standard salary couldn't afford. Equally the decision to go and live in New Zealand for a year, well, that just seemed perfectly straightforward for me - sure I will miss my friends and family, but I've learnt that a year isn't really a long time at all in the grand scheme of things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that most people could do what I'm doing if they wanted.

But then it struck me. "Most people" have families to look after, both children and elderly parents. "Most people" have debts. "Most people" have responsibilities which stop even those with the material means from getting out and doing something even slightly crazy or different. I have no responsibilities, not direct ones. No-one depends on me. My only debt is my student loan, which I'm told if I ignore it for 20 years it will go away. I was quite good at my job but I certainly wasn't irreplacable. I haven't got a partner with their own attachments who'd much rather stay put.

Leaving my friends for a long period of time and going somewhere I've never been before (okay once, overnight, but it was dark) is something that doesn't phase me at all - I'm kind of used to doing things by myself and I like meeting new people. But I am lucky, I realise that.

Monday, 6 October 2008

No Up Chapter 9 out now - Craftsmanship

Ahoy! It's that time again - Chapter 9 of No Up is out today!

There's only 11 chapters overall - strange the book seems to be coming to a close just as Czioc's mission has begun.

Czioc meets a rebel, and sees the real magic of the Ethe when he gets his sword made (after a massive drunken night out). And we find out more about the strange dead person in his head...


Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Magic invisible money

Something funny happened the other day. I was buying some drinks with my card in the pub, and the bar lady comes out with pen and paper for me to sign. And standing there, holding the pen, I joke "Ahhh, very retro!".

What the fuck?!

I think we take for granted all the technology we rely on every single day. I'm buying real alcoholic drinks in a pub with MAGIC INVISIBLE MONEY using a card with SHINY CAPITAL LETTERS, and the only proof she has that I've actually paid is because THE MACHINE WENT BEEP.

And I'm making jokes about how outdated it is.

Right now I'm making a blog post, listening to electronic music captured from the air in the last 30 years, uploading bewitched frozen pictures, buying travel insurance for travelling A HUNDRED THOUSAND MILES and checking the news of insane amounts of magic invisible money somehow "crashing" in foreign lands. Invisible lands?

We are truly a technological race.

When is socialism not actually socialism?

How bizarre that in America, the country of hyper-capitalism that brought the world massive inequality and the current economic crash, a revolt is stopping the proposed $700 billion (that’s $700,000,000,000) bailout for the American financial industry.

It’s fairly obvious that members of the U.S. House of Representatives (the lower house, like the House of Commons in the U.K.) are not voting on principal but to save their political skins ahead of their own election this November.

What’s bizarre is to hear people calling the bailout “socialism”. Okay, socialism generally means government and state running industries and providing support to, or interfering with, private industry. But to me socialism means the government and state providing services for the public. The BBC and the NHS are two examples of mild socialism, and ones that I think are both morally right and provide excellent services.

So it seems crazy to me to think of bailing out massive financial institutions and their managers for bad, stupid decisions they made as “socialism”.

Don’t get me wrong – although I think a deal is required to stabilise the financial system we all rely on, I think this originated as one last scheme from Bush & the Republicans to bail out corporate America and screw the American taxpayer (not to mention scuppering the next president’s time in office), and doesn’t seem to have changed much since. (I also have a childish eagerness in watching the suffering of the masters of voodoo economics and their bizarre corrupt world, where massive riches are thrown about and huge bonuses given for providing very little benefit to society. Not to mention a slight morbid fascination in the possible end of the world.)

I just don’t want us lefties getting a bad name!