Wednesday, 7 April 2010

The Election is here. Oh joy.

Being on the opposite side of the planet doesn't mean I can get away from the impending UK election, whose date was revealed by the media before it was revealed by the prime minister, making the whole revelation completely redundant.

The virtual world has no distance, and being interested in politics makes me a pixellated moth to the interweb flame of predictable drudgery.

Cue the horror!
  • Claims, counter-claims and general lies as all 3 major parties publish dubious statistics on their promotional literature
  • All 3 parties hugging the centre, getting shot down both by hardcore followers and the general public who are bored to death
  • A constant barrage of media coverage and up-to-the-minute updates of NOTHING HAPPENING
  • Very rare examples of passion and incidents of genuine newsworthiness, 2-3 max
  • An outcome so predictable, even that lunatic clown Nostradamus could have predicted it
There are a few things that make this election different:
  • Labour's 3 terms and 13 years in office
    (Mud sticks, parties don't win elections governments lose them, people "want a change" even if they don't know which "change" they want)
  • Financial meltdown and recession
    (People blame Labour for hardships inflicted by global economy, or support Labour for good handling by throwing money at banks)
  • MPs' expenses scandal
    (MPs of all parties face the chop, despite most fraudulent claims being miniscule compared to fraud and bonuses considered normal in the private sector)
But there are more factors making this election particularly excruciating:
  • Labour is worn out, dried-up, empty of ideas, and has lost or demoted all its charasmatic politicians
  • The Conservatives are right-wing enough to despise yet vacant and bland enough to be useless and have even fewer charasmatic candidates than Labour (ie zero)
  • The Lib Dems have some good policies (the luxury of a third party that won't win) and will make small gains, but success will be limited by Tory votes from people determined to end the Islamic communist rule of ZaNu-Liarbore (ie Labour)
  • The British economy's gutted state limits all parties' policies to things like "we won't cut public services too much, yay!"
  • Feverish sneering of old-school Tories and Thatcherites gloating over their "rightful" return to governance
  • US presidential-style debates, as if the UK doesn't import enough from America, with 2/3 party leaders who are fundamentally unlikeable (Mr. Oily and Sergant McDull as opposed to Dr. Who?)
And somehow, through all of this, they still expect - and I still recommend - that you vote for someone on the 6th of May.

Through the cringeworthy onslaught of vacant media coverage for the next 4 weeks, consider me your cynical correspondent on the UK election.

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